Goodbye: Intro to Abroad

My roommate and I were a good match. He was doing research on dragonfly and damselfly populations while I was working with a team researching some repercussions of neoliberalism and work culture. Matt and I met almost two years ago through Ultimate Disk, a team we were both happy to be a part of. He was, for the most part, quiet and away catching dragonflies during the day and either watching YouTube videos or working-out after work. My schedule was less structured. I had a few meetings with my research professor and group throughout the week, but for the most part, I read, took notes, and wrote papers without any surveillance. I really enjoyed the independence of my summer. I loved the work I was doing. Although motivating myself to sit and write everyday was a pain more often than not, I was always interested in my research and enjoyed being able to share it. Now these summer days on campus were coming to a close.

I quietly pushed the blankets off my legs and dangled my feet over the edge of the bed before sliding down and landing on Opnask, my purple yoga mat. After a quick stretch I threw on the t-shirt and gym pants I wore yesterday. Fastening a baseball cap on my long messy bedhead hair and sliding into a pair of black sandals I grabbed my keys and headed out the door. As the room locked behind me I entered the community living space of our suite. It was a very nice place to live that comprised of a room with cushioned chairs and a TV, a kitchen that had everything in it but a stove and oven, and two bathrooms for the eight of us to share. I tucked my head beneath the kitchen faucet of a quick drink then headed outside.

Walks around campus had become customary for me. After work or when I just needed a break I would leave my desk and just start going somewhere. Typically as I walked my mind would wander and start creating stories in my head. If I were not creating stories I would plan projects that I would never actually intend to do. Seeing these projects come to life in my mind’s eye was enough for me.

Each walk was a way for me to say goodbye to campus and all that it represented for me. I started this one with the red bridge over Ame’s Pond, and stopped there to lean over the rail and watch two swans swim together and a turtle tucker along while munching at some vegetation. Water lilies covered most of the pond’s surface and were in full bloom. They don’t flower for long and soon their beautiful white petals will turn brown and fall beneath the water. I wondered if they felt the same need to say goodbye as I did.

I had spent the earlier part of the week meeting with friends for a final conversation and farewell. Each offered me a piece of advice on my travels and wished me well. I don’t know why it was so important for me to have these final encounters but they felt right and necessary. They gave me a sense of closure that I didn’t know I needed or even wanted. I think if I were like the water lilies and I only had a few days left to live, I would want to make similar trips and give my final goodbyes. They make me feel like I’m leaving the right way, if there is such a way that is right.

I continued my walk around New Hall and past the dinning commons. Then I went through the woods to the academic buildings and the quad. Green grass, open fields, ponds, rivers, it was everything you could ask for in a campus. I knew I would miss it; I would miss the feeling I get when I’m at my college, the feeling of safe vulnerability.

Last night I took a sunset walk around campus that brought me to our grotto. The grotto was actually a replica of one at Notre Dame University, which is a replica of the grotto in Lords, France. A statue of Mary stood in a carved off area above the cave and two benches accompanied by kneelers looked into it. Candles lit the inner walls and a donation box rested in the middle. I don’t know why but that evening as I walked past the grotto I felt compelled to light a candle. I struggled with whether or not I should actually add to the choir of luminescents or just marvel their beauty, but I gave in. I think lighting the candle was a way for me to say thank you too my past. The now seemed to be the reason, the fulfillment, of all prior inquiry. I also lit that candle for the future. I have no idea what awaits me, but I already feel so grateful for whatever it is. I lit that candle because I believed in my life the way one might believe in God.

I continued my walk around the practice fields on the outskirts of campus and around the Science Center back to my dorm. My suitemates must have been getting up around this time and I wanted to make sure I got a chance for a shower before meeting with my research professor. One day left of work, I thought to myself, one day left on campus. Was it out of relief or longing that I sighed? Denmark, here I come.